Phone Call
by TVJunkie1013
Summary: HawkeyeBJ pairing. SLASH! Some phone calls change everything...
1. Phone Call

**Title:** Phone Call  
**Author:** Lisa M  
**Pairing:** BJ/Hawkeye  
**Rating:** Let's say PG  
**Disclaimer:** Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money.  
**Archive:** Anywhere...just let me know.  
**Feedback:** Is better than Brokeback Mountain!  
**Summary:** Some phone calls change everything.

**A/N:** My own answer to my 10-min. fic challenge line of "You have got to be kidding me!". It took me about 9 1/2 minutes...start to finish ;) I really want to get this list active again...can you tell?

* * *

"You have got to be kidding me!" Peg heard BJ's voice go up an octave. She had no idea who he was talking to on the phone, but whoever it was, had said something to make him very upset. She knew she shouldn't be eavesdropping on BJ's call, but Peg had no choice. As soon as BJ had answered the phone, he'd snuck away as quickly as possible and basically hid in his office. It made her nervous. 

"No, no! Come on. I didn't mean it like that. Yes, of course I'm happy for you! How could I not be? I was just thinking back to Korea...you know. How things were back then. With us."

More silence peppered with a few 'uh huhs'.

"I guess never realized that was how it felt for you. When I got letters...talked about it, her, all the time. Yeah, I guess I understand that now. I'm sorry, so sorry. All those years and I never really got it."

A sarcastic laugh from BJ startled her.

"Can't you ever be serious?"

Another short, but more sincere laugh came from BJ.

"You're right. I know I got it, I just didn't 'get it'." Another pause. "No, I don't think I could do that." Sobs now. "Seriously, I don't think I could stand there and watch you go through it. It would hurt too much. I know it's been years, but it's still fresh in my mind. Love's funny that way."

BJ was silent for a long time and it made Peg nervous. She poked her head into her husband's office. His chair was facing away from her, but she could hear the telltale sound of sniffles coming from BJ. Slightly alarmed she strode through the door.

"Honey?" She placed her hand on his shoulder and spun him around to face her. His face was deadly white and his eyes puffy. His cheeks were soaked with freshly-shed tears. Peg gasped in shock. "Is everything okay?"

"Hang on a sec... Yes, Peg." He stressed her name, the word colored with annoyance. "I'm fine. Could you please let me have some privacy for a minute?"

She backed away without saying a word. Closing the door behind her, she slumped to the floor. Peg, by just looking at her husband's face, and remembering the words she'd overheard, (and read in all of BJ's letters over those long years he was away) knew who was on the phone...and what probably was about to happen.

Benjamin Franklin Pierce...Hawkeye...was getting married.

TBC


	2. Decision

**Title:** Phone Call - Decision  
**Author:** Lisa M  
**Pairing:** BJ/Hawkeye  
**Rating:** PG  
**Disclaimer:** Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money.  
**Archive:** Anywhere...just let me know.  
**Feedback:** Is better than Brokeback Mountain!  
**Summary:** Some phone calls change everything.

**A/N:** An expansion/continuation of my 10 min. fic "Phone Call". Someone on LJ (thank you!) suggested that I should continue this...and I decided that it was a good idea ;) No beta...any errors are mine, and I apologize for them.

* * *

"No, Hawk. I can't do it." BJ Hunnicut cradled the telephone between his shoulder and cheek. He reached up and brushed the tears angrily from his eyes. "I won't."

"Beej, you were my best friend. Are my best friend. Who else would I want, standing beside me, when I take this step forward in my life?"

Hawkeye Pierce knew that it was starting to sound like he was begging. And maybe he was. It had been six long years since he'd seen his friend, and the distance, the time apart, had taken its toll on the older doctor.

The first three years after Korea had been the worst. He and BJ had promised that they'd write, call, visit. Keep in touch. And they had...for a while. But after each time they connected, Hawkeye had missed his friend so much that he almost couldn't stand it.

Then, as time moved forward, BJ's correspondence began to dwindle. The occasional call or letter would come - with many months in between. And neither one had actually made the physical - or, for that matter, emotional - journey to see the other in person.

Halfway through the third year, Hawkeye had met someone. A woman - Christine. By that time, the letters and calls had become Christmas cards, birthday cards and the annual New Year's Eve "Just wanted to check in with you," call.

The relationship with Christine had progressed slowly, but Hawkeye had fallen for her almost immediately after they'd met. He remembered mentioning her to BJ once, maybe twice, although by the time he had decided to propose, even the yearly calls had stopped.

Now that Hawkeye thought about it, the two men hadn't actually spoken to each other in almost two years.

He and Christine had decided to get married quickly...no long engagement. The wedding date had been set and was just over a month away. Hawkeye had put off calling BJ because he knew that he would face some strong opposition. He had almost been afraid to pick up the phone and dial.

But he had. There was no way he was going to make this step without having BJ there with him. And Hawkeye Pierce was prepared to do just about anything to ensure that his friend would indeed be a part of this.

Besides, Hawkeye just wanted to see (and hold) this man with whom he'd shared so much in the years before. Whatever it took.

"Please, BJ. Please." He paused, wiping away his own tears. "I need you here."

"Why?"

"Come on...you know why."

"Maybe I don't."

"We haven't seen each other since Korea, man! Don't you miss me? Don't you want to see me? Do you even remember what we had..."

"Do I remember what we had?" BJ shouted. He felt his blood pressure rising with every word he spoke. "What we had is the reason why I can't be there!"

"Beej..."

"I can't stand there and listen to you say that you love someone else. I can't do it."

"But, she's..."

"Hawk, it doesn't matter that she's a woman. Don't you get that?"

Now it was Hawkeye's turn to get angry.

"What did you expect me to do, huh?" He tried to keep his voice under control. "The whole time in Korea...the whole damn time!...I had to hear about Peg. 'Peg this' and 'Peg that'. I bit my tongue each and every time. I knew from the beginning that you were married. I understood what you had with her. What that meant for us. But I still fell for you. Hard. We had something special there. Something I've never had before."

"That was different! It was..."

"Let me finish!" Hawkeye's harsh words sliced through his own ears and he winced. He took a deep breath and continued speaking. "You promised that we'd keep in touch. And we did. For a while. But who was the one that began to fade away? You. You, BJ Hunnicut! Not me! I tried and tried and tried. And it got me nowhere. I never expected you to leave Peg for me. The thought never crossed my mind. But what I did expect was that my best friend...my lover...would have kept his part of the bargain!"

Hawkeye was now sobbing so hard that he almost couldn't speak, but he pushed on as best he could.

"You left this friendship, not me. What did you expect, Beej? Did you think I was just going to sit around and wait for you...pine away for you...never have any contact with anyone ever again? Well, you know what? I got lonely. Real lonely. And just when it had gotten to the worst possible point, I met Christine. She pulled me back from the edge of the black hole that I had been ready to fall into forever!"

"Hawk..."

"I fell in love. I'm sorry. But I did. I'm finally happy again, you know? I feel almost complete with her." Hawkeye paused, trying to put his thoughts into words. "The thing is, I've come to realize that I will never be able to love someone as completely as I love you. It's impossible. And to be honest, I don't know that I even want to. No matter what has happened, no matter how much time has passed, no matter what mistakes we've made, you are special BJ. The most special person in the world to me. Understand that it doesn't matter who I marry...who I love. You will always be the first. You hold the biggest part of my heart, and it will be that way forever." He stopped and gathered himself together. When he resumed speaking, Hawkeye's voice was almost a whisper. "Please, BJ. I need you here with me. I need you. Please."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Hawkeye's breath caught in his throat.

"I'll come. I'll be there."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise. I will be there, next to you. With you. For you."

A long, slow sigh escaped from both men and neither spoke for a few moments. BJ finally broke the silence.

"So, will anyone else from the 4077th be coming?" He asked, lightheartedly.

"A few." Hawkeye paused. "The usual suspects. Margaret, Charles, Radar. Uh, and I think Klinger and Potter will be here too."

BJ noticed that one very important name was missing from the list. He wasn't sure if Hawkeye had skipped it on purpose or not, but BJ knew that a certain individual had been invited. A nervousness hung in the air. A giant elephant in the room that no one wanted to acknowledge. BJ wasn't sure if he even wanted to know, but he asked the question nonetheless.

"And Trapper? Will he be there?" He tried to keep the jealousy out of his voice, but failed.

"Yes, but..."

"Don't worry, Hawk." BJ's words came out more confidently than he actually felt. Especially because he was about to tell a lie to his best friend. "I'm not jealous of what you and Trapper had. That was a very, very long time ago. And I know it was different from what we had."

A sigh of relief escaped Hawkeye and made BJ grin slightly.

"Thanks, Beej. Seriously, though, I will uninvite him if you're going to be uncomfortable. I know he'd understand. He said as much himself."

BJ felt that twinge of jealousy try to swell again, but he quickly silenced it.

"No, it's fine." BJ heard Peg moving around in the kitchen. She was slamming cabinet doors. "Uh, Hawk? I should probably go. I need to get to bed...gotta work early tomorrow. And I have to check Erin's math and science homework before meeting the sandman."

"Okay. God, Beej! I'm so glad you've decided to come. Why don't you think about coming out a few days early? We could hang out, have some real martinis," he stopped speaking and swallowed. "Reconnect? You guys could stay with me. House is big enough for all of us. I bet Erin will love it here!"

"I think I'll probably be coming alone." More slamming. Pots this time. "It's pretty difficult for Peg to get much time off from work. And Erin, well, Erin's got school..."

"Well, okay. I guess I'll see you in a few weeks then."

BJ could tell that his friend was smiling. It made him smile as well.

"Yes. I'm looking forward to seeing you again, Hawk."

"Me too."

"Bye, Hawkeye."

"Goodbye, BJ. I'll see you soon."

"Yep."

BJ Hunnicut slipped the phone back into its cradle and stood. He took a deep breath, then exited his office. It was time to talk to Peg.

TBC


	3. Leaving

**Title:** Phone Call - Leaving  
**Author:** Lisa M  
**Pairing:** BJ/Hawkeye  
**Rating:** PG13 for bad words  
**Disclaimer:** Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money.  
**Archive:** Anywhere...just let me know.  
**Feedback:** Would be, like, totally awesome!  
**Summary:** Some phone calls change everything.

**A/N:** No beta...any errors are mine, and I apologize for them. I read a story in the Yahoo!Group archives a while back in which the author chose a name for BJ. I liked it, so I'm going to use it too. I can't remember the author's name, but I want to thank her for the idea. Peg might be very OOC in this story, but I'm not sure since we really don't know much about her...at least how she'd react if she had been put in this type of situation. Enjoy!

* * *

BJ Hunnicutt stood just outside his office for a few moments, fingers gripping the doorknob so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. He turned back and stared at the phone as if waiting for it to give him some answers. Some direction. What in the hell was he going to do now? 

Hawkeye was getting married.

The wedding was ina month.

BJ had agreed to be Best Man.

Shit.

And now, Peg. What was he going to tell Peg? How in God's name was he going to explain this? He didn't even know where to start.

The loud clang of another pot snapped him out of his thoughts. BJ released the doorknob and pushed himself away from the office. He knew his wife was in the kitchen, so that's where he headed. Running his fingers through his hair, BJ paused in the threshold before walking into the brightly-lit room.

Peg's back was to him. She was standing at the sink. Steaming water cascaded into the basin. He watched as she placed the dinner dishes, one by one, into the bubbles. BJ could hear her sniffling.

"Peg?" He began crossing the distance between them. "Honey?"

"Please don't call me that." Her voice was soft, yet sharp. The words she spoke resonated with regret and sadness. They also held the slightest tinge of anger. "Not right now."

BJ stopped in his tracks. He wasn't sure what he'd done to make his wife upset. Mind spinning, BJ tried to figure out the cause of her mood.

"I don't understand. What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" A chuckle of disbelief escaped her. "What's wrong I've found out that my husband is in love with someone else. And not only is he in love with someone else...he's in love with another man."

That was the moment BJ realized that Peg had overhead his phone call with Hawkeye.

"Peg, please let me explain."

"I don't know that there is anything to explain."

Peg's hands shook slightly as she held them above the steaming dishwater.

"The funny thing is...I think I've always known. The way you talked about him in your letters from Korea. And, then, when you finally came home, the way your eyes sparkled at the mention of his name. That stupid black and white picture you've carried around with you since you came back. Even after you lost touch...that picture stayed."

BJ rushed over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. He turned her around so they were face to face.

"You know I love you, Peg. God, and Erin. I love you both so much."

"But that's not enough, is it?"

Was she right? It sure felt like she was. And BJ chose not to argue with her. Releasing her, his hands dropped to his side as he shook his head slowly from left to right.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I have told you something like that, Peg?" BJ dug his fingertips into his eyes in an attempt to block the headache he felt coming on. "Was I supposed to write you? Tell you that I'd fallen in love with someone else? And that the someone else Hawkeye?"

"I don't know."

"I tried to forget him. I swear I did. I stopped calling. Stopped answering letters. Had only minimal contact with him. I didn't even go to Crabapple Cove when his father died. Nothing worked. No matter what I did, I went to sleep every night with his face in my head."

"I wish you would've told me, Ben."

BJ shivered when his wife used his given name. Besides his parents and a few others, Peg Hunnicutt was the only other person that knew him as something other than BJ. Benjamin Joseph, actually.

God, how he hated his name.

So much so that, as a child, he had created 'BJ'. For as long as he could remember that was who he had been. Benjamin Joseph Hunnicutt did not exist. He was BJ. Even in kindergarten, his teachers would try and call him Ben or Benjamin. He would always correct them. Imagine, 5 years old and saying...

"No, ma'am. It's BJ, not Ben."

Even Hawkeye didn't know the truth. BJ smiled softly, remembering back to that crazy week when Hawk had basically tortured just about everyone in camp to find out what 'BJ' stood for. His friend had not succeeded. The night Hawkeye gave up the great name quest, was the first time that they'd slept together.

"Come on Beej. We've been intimate now." He'd said afterward. Always the comedian, that Hawkeye Pierce. "You can tell me your name now."

"Sorry, Hawk," BJ had replied as he brushed his lips over the older man's cheek. "I guess you'll just have to live with 'BJ'. Sorry."

To this day, BJ still wasn't sure why he'd refused to tell Hawkeye. After all, this was a man he had come to love. He wasn't closer to anyone in the entire world.

Not even Peg.

Was it because they had the same first name? BJ didn't think so. Hawkeye was Hawkeye to him...not Ben. Not Benjamin. Just Hawkeye. It was a mystery that probably wasn't ever going to be solved. Not that it mattered much anyway.

"Ben?"

Peg's soft voice in his ear and warm hand on his forearm broke BJ from his memory.

"He's getting married."

"I know."

"I just can't believe it."

"Did you think he'd wait for you forever?"

"He said the same exact thing to me over the phone." BJ scratched his head. "I don't know. Maybe that is what I thought. Or more to the point, wanted."

"Benny, do you know how unbelievably selfish that is? You were here, with us. Hawkeye was there, alone. Sure, his father had been there for a short time, but that really isn't the same thing, now, is it?"

"No."

"Be happy for him, Ben."

"I am happy for him. He asked me to be his best man."

"And you said yes?"

"Yes. The wedding is in about four weeks."

"Then you go, be there for him for as long as he needs you. Be his friend again, BJ. Do it for him...and do it for you."

"But what about this?" He gestured between them. "Four weeks is a long time to be away. Especially now. What are we going to do about us?"

Peg. Sweet, loving Peg, leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. She reached up and brushed a stray tear from BJ's face.

"We'll deal with that when you're ready." She paused to squeeze his hand tightly. "Go. Call Hawkeye and tell him you'll be coming early."

"Thank you, Peg." BJ felt more tears forming behind his eyes, but he somehow managed to keep them from spilling down his face. "How did I ever deserve to be with you?"

"Just go. Do what you need to do. And don't you worry about us." She smiled sadly. "We've been through much worse...we've been through war, remember?"

BJ hugged his wife tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Peg," he whispered against her hair. BJ pulled his hand from hers and walked back to his office.

After pulling the door shut behind him, BJ sat down behind his desk and picked up the phone. His fingers dialed the number that hadn't been used in a very long time. Somehow, he remembered the correct digits. BJ's body shook nervously as he waited, listening to the steady ring gripping the receiver as if it were some kind of anchor. He stilled immediately when he heard the familiar voice on the other end of the line.

"Hawk? Hey, it's me. ... Yeah I know we just talked an hour ago. ... No, nothing is wrong. ... Uh...will that spare room be available earlier? ... Two days from now...maybe less than that? ... Seriously, everything is fine. ... No, I'm not lying. ... I just need to come right away...no, I want to come. As soon as I can. ... Okay, that sounds fine. ... What? ... No. Don't you worry about that. I've got the time as long as you'll have me. ... Okay, I'll see you in a day or so. ... Yeah, I'm looking forward to it too. ... Bye, Hawk."

BJ sighed and hung up the phone.

"I hope I'm not making a mistake..."

TBC


	4. Reunion

**Title:** Phone Call - Reunion (4/6)  
**Author:** Lisa M  
**Pairing:** BJ/Hawkeye  
**Rating:** Mfor some very bad words and sexual situations  
**Disclaimer:** Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money. I stole 1 line from Brokeback Mountain...but I still don't own it.  
**Archive:** Anywhere...just let me know.  
**Feedback:** Would be, like, totally awesome!  
**Summary:** Sometimes, reunions are difficult...

**A/N:** No beta...any errors are mine, and I apologize for them.

**A/N2:** Ok everyone. You're going to have to bear with me in this section of the story. It is going to be told in a very different way than the previous parts. This section is going to be excerpts from a letter that BJ writes to Peg. And the rest is in first person, BJ's POV. Oh and the tenses shift a lot - I suck at tenses. I'm really sorry for the change, but this part was very difficult to write and doing it this way made it easier. Forgive me? Enjoy!

_

* * *

_

_Dear Peg,_

_I'm not really sure why I'm writing to you. I guess it's because there's no one else. Please don't take that the wrong way. I only meant that you're the one person in the world that I know I can turn to. I really don't have any idea what I'm doing anymore and it's killing me..._

* * *

There is very little turbulence during the flight, but I swear I feel sicker and sicker the closer to Maine I get. There are so many thoughts...and even more questions...floating around in my head that I am starting to get the spins. It feels as though the entire plane is swirling around in the sky and I am powerless to stop it. I know this feeling. I feel drunk...and not in the good way I'd come to enjoy while in Korea. 

Korea.

All those years ago. It seems as though a lifetime has passed since I left that place, but it hasn't even been a full decade yet.

The only thing I can do to calm myself is to pull the faded, dog-eared, black and white picture from my breast pocket. I force my mind to focus on the day that picture had been taken. I can't stop myself from smiling.

There we were. The two of us. Standing together as if nothing could ever separate us. Someone suggested a picture. We laughed and agreed that, yes, that was a great idea. Right before the click of the camera sounded, Hawkeye had leaned in closer and said something to me. I had to search through all the saved moments in my memory for the words Hawk'd uttered in that split second before the snap of the picture. When they finally come to me, I feel my smile lift into my eyes. And I chuckle.

"I want you so bad right now," Hawkeye had hissed seductively.

The photographer had caught my shocked expression, along with Hawkeye's large and satisfied grin. I started laughing out loud, remembering what we'd done later that night.

The pilot announces that we are going to be arriving in Maine within 15 minutes. So, I secure myself in my seat, and, after glancing at the picture one last time, return it to my pocket. I glance out the window and watch as the plane descends through the puffy white clouds and into the crystal clear Maine sky.

Bright blue. Just like Hawk's eyes.

_

* * *

_

_Why does life have to be so difficult? Sometimes I just don't understand. All those years I wanted to see Hawkeye, Peg. I missed him so much. Why, then, when the plane landed in Maine, couldn't I get out of my seat? I felt numb. My legs wouldn't move. I was the last person off._

_I really wish someone could explain things to me so that they would make sense._

* * *

"BJ fucking Hunnicutt!" 

I swear, just the sound of his voice gives me the shivers. I turn around and there he is.

"Hawk."

Hawkeye Pierce rushes up to me, a large smile on his face, arms stretched wide open. I open my own arms in return and pull my friend into a fierce hug. My body begins to react to Hawkeye almost immediately, but I force the desire down. I didn't come here just to have sex with this man.

Or maybe I did.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I want anymore.

The only thing I do know, is that right now, I want to stay in Hawkeye's arms for as long as I possibly can. Unfortunately, we have to separate. We're in an airport, after all. Hawkeye backs away slightly, but retains his hold on my arms.

"God, look at you, Beej!" Hawkeye gathers me into the circle of his arms again. "You are a sight for sore eyes."

"Don't give me that, Hawk." I, regrettably, pull back this time. I slide my gaze over my friend. "Sore eyes? Please. You look great! If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were getting younger as the years pass."

"I can guarantee you that's not the case." Hawkeye laughs and grabs my luggage. "Come on. Let's get you home."

"Lead on, my friend."

I feel as though the air around me is lifting me from my feet. Like I'm floating above the ground. Within minutes, we're on our way to Hawkeye's house.

_

* * *

_

_The first week was so hard, Peg. Hawk had rounds and responsibilities that he had to attend to. I had the choice of either staying home, alone...or going with him. I chose to go, of course. It was good to see that he was still an excellent doctor. I assisted him on a few occasions. It felt good to work together again, side by side, just like we had over there. But something was definitely off between us. Things felt so strange, uncomfortable. I didn't expect for things to go back to, whatever it was that we had previously had together. I knew there would be a period of adjustment, I just didn't realize it would take as long as it did._

_We barely spoke of anything other than work...either his or mine. The only time Hawkeye mentioned Christine was after I asked when I was going to get to meet the lucky woman that had captured his heart. Hawk simply said that she was in Chicago at some sort of sales convention and that she'd be back in ten days._

_But I'd hear them on the phone each night. She always called at 10:00 on the dot. I'd lay here in bed and listen to Hawk tell her how good it was to have me here. But his words rang so hollow in my ears. It sounded as if he was trying to convince himself of something that wasn't true..._

_It was so uncomfortable, that I was convinced I had definitely made a mistake in coming here._

* * *

A soft knock on my bedroom door wakes me from my sleep. I glance at the clock. 12:45am. 

"Beej? It's me. You awake?" Hawkeye's voice is hesitant. "Can I come in?"

"Of course." I flip on the bedside lamp and prop myself up on my elbows. "Come on in."

The door swings open and there stands Hawkeye. He's wearing a red robe...almost identical to the one he wore in Korea. My breath catches in my throat. Hawkeye follows my gaze down to his robe and smiles.

"Old habits die hard."

"I guess so."

"Beej, we need to talk."

"I know."

"Things have been so...strained between us since you got here."

"I noticed."

"I didn't expect this to be so difficult."

"Me neither." I sigh and lay back against the bed. "Any thoughts on why?"

"Actually, yes. I think I may have figured things out."

"I'm sure as hell glad one of us has," I snap and regret it immediately. This isn't Hawkeye's fault. "I'm sorry, Hawk. I didn't mean that. I'm just so..."

"I understand." Hawkeye crosses the floor and lowers himself onto the corner of the bed.

"So, what's your theory?"

Hawkeye doctor runs his fingers though his now completely silver hair. And for the first time in a week, I realize that he looks tired. Exhausted. Unraveled. His hands are shaking slightly.

"I guess I'm afraid of going back. I keep waiting for the first shoe to drop, you know. Like, any minute...wham!...and we'll be back there."

"I know what you mean, Hawk. But not everything was bad..." I respond quietly.

"I know that, Beej," Hawkeye says and reaches out for my hand. It's the first time we've touched since the day in the airport. "And that's what brought me here, to your door, tonight."

Hawkeye leans in closer to my face.

"Can I kiss you?"

Those were the same words Hawkeye said to me that night...in the supply tent...the first time we kissed. I smile at the memory.

"You better."

_

* * *

_

_That was our first night together in almost ten years. _

* * *

Light pouring through the sheer curtains drags me, fighting, from my sleep. As I slowly come back to reality, I realize that Hawkeye is next to me, still wrapped tightly in my arms. His cheek presses warmly against my chest. His slow, steady breathing echoes the rise and fall of my own. 

It wasn't a dream.

I press my face into his hair and inhale deeply. He smells exactly as I remember. Not of the blood or the gore, but the underlying Hawkeye that I grew to love while stuck in hell.

Hawkeye stirs awake. I feel his arms weave their way around my body.

"I've missed you so much, Beej." His face tilts up to mine.

"Me too," I whisper against his lips. "God, me too."

_

* * *

_

_The days moved forward. Hawk and I spent every waking moment together. He showed me around Crabapple Cove, introduced me to all of his friends. "This, is my best friend in the entire world, BJ." That's what he'd say, and I swear it made my heart leap whenever I heard those words come out of him._

_The nights were spent in each other's arms._

_There were times when we just would lay together and say nothing. I think those were the best moments. Just Hawkeye and me and the comfortable silence that is only possible between two people who know everything about each other and love each other regardless of knowing everything about each other._

_Does that make sense? I'm not so sure that it does, but there's no other way for me to describe it._

_Those ten days felt a little bit like Heaven, Peg. But then things started to change._

* * *

"Christine's coming home today." 

I keep my eyes on my breakfast and nod.

"I have to pick her up at the airport. Her flight comes in at 3:00."

"Okay," I say, making a feeble attempt at sounding cheery. "So, what time do you think you'll be back?"

"Sometime around 5:00." Hawkeye's tone tells me that he knows how I'm feeling. "Dinner time."

"I can cook..."

"No, don't go through all that trouble, Beej." He stands and begins clearing the table. "I've already made some reservations at a local place. I'll need to drive her back home after dinner. I'll give you directions to get to the restaurant, if you don't mind meeting us there."

"I don't mind." But I did mind. I wasn't ready for this. Wasn't ready to share him again so soon.

"Hawk?"

"Uh huh?" Hawkeye is standing at the sink, not looking at me.

"What are you going to tell her?"

"About?"

"Us."

"Beej," he replies and turns to face me. "She already knows. I've never lied to her...about anything."

I jump to my feet and cross the kitchen to where he's standing.

"You mean, she's known what we've been doing this whole time?"

"Yes."

"She's not mad?"

"Was Peg mad when she found out?"

"Sort of...well, actually, no. I guess she wasn't." I lean against the counter next to him. "When she overhead our telephone conversation, I think originally she was mad. Not because of this, but because I had been lying to her for all these years. We talked about it a little and she told me that maybe she had possibly always known about us."

Hawkeye nods.

"When I met Christine, I knew I wanted to be with her. Once things got serious, I realized that I shouldn't start my life with her without telling her everything. I wasn't sure how to bring it up. But I think she knew I had something to tell her, and one night, out of the blue, she asked me if I'd ever been in love before. That was the door opening for me to talk about you. I thought she'd be upset, or freak out, but she didn't. Christine actually told me that she understood. I think she said 'Sometimes, when you're in a bad place, you need to find something to keep you whole'. After you called to say you were coming here so soon, I explained to her that I felt I needed to spend some time alone with just you." He pauses and places his hand against my cheek. "She told me to do whatever I needed to do and that she'd support me."

"Peg said the same thing when I left. She told me we'd work on us when I was ready."

"Well, my friend, it seems as though you and I have found two of the most understanding women in the entire world."

"I guess so."

And, for the first time in ten days, an uncomfortable silence descended on the house, and us. It was in this moment that I knew things were about to change.

_

* * *

_

_Is it horrible of me to say that I tried to hate Christine? I really did. I wanted to hate her so much. She was, after all, the one person that had found a way into Hawkeye's heart...the heart the had belonged to me, alone, for so long._

_But I don't hate her. I can't hate her._

_She is Hawkeye's match in every way. Generous, funny, beautiful. Understanding, to a fault. She even told me that Hawkeye once said that she reminded him of me. I guess that gives me some peace. To know that, in the end, he chose a woman who he thinks is like me. Who reminds him of me._

_It still hurts though._

_Christine did not stay at the house with us. She said that we needed out time together before the wedding. I still can't figure out why she allowed this. Just one more thing to love about her I guess. Her undeniable trust in Hawkeye._

_But still, things weren't the same once she came back._

_Things began to change almost immediately. Not on the surface, but below that. I'm my mind...in my heart._

_Every time Hawkeye and I slept together, I felt another part of me slip away. Or I guess, a better way to describe it is a part of me coming back. Back to the pre-war, pre-Korea BJ Hunnicutt._

_I fought it at first, but as Hawkeye's wedding date approached, I began to surrender to it. Hawkeye felt it too, I think. I could feel the gap widening between us. It hurt, just like it always does, but it got easier as the days rolled on._

_We touched less. Spoke less. And eventually, this thing between us, became nothing more than sex._

_My heart still held onto my love for him. I don't know that it would even be possible for that to ever go away. Hawkeye is and always will be a part of me. It's just that the raw wound that had remained open since we left each other in Korea, had started to heal._

_The night before the wedding, was the last night we spent together. As we lay there, on my bed, sweaty and sated, I knew this was goodbye. For good. No one was to blame. It was just time. When I knew he was asleep, I kissed him on the forehead and slipped out of the bed._

_Then I did the one thing I thought I'd never do. I snuck into Hawkeye's room and retrieved the only thing I had ever given him..._

_My dog tags._

_Tears ran down my face as I picked them up and replaced them with the ones I'd been wearing since the day I left Korea. The ones he'd given me. I bent forward and gently pressed my lips to the thin pieces of metal..._

_Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, MD - United States Army_

_...then closed the lid to his storage box. Hawkeye wouldn't even notice mine were gone...not for a while anyway. I slipped my own tags over my neck and exited Hawkeye's room._

_I left and found a hotel room. I spent the rest of that night alone with my thoughts and this pen and paper. It killed me to leave him like that, but the one bit of solace I have is that I know he won't be angry. He knew I was going without me having to say a word._

_We've always been like that, Hawk and I. And I'm thankful for him being in my life. I want him to be happy...and he is. I will stand by his side, tomorrow, as he moves forward. But, it's time for us...for me...to move on._

TBC


	5. Wedding

**Title:** Phone Call - Wedding (5/6)  
**Author:** Lisa M  
**Pairing:** BJ/Hawkeye friendship  
**Rating:** PG  
**Disclaimer:** Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money.  
**Archive:** Anywhere...just let me know.  
**Feedback:** Would be, like, totally awesome!  
**Summary: **Hawkeye gets married...

**A/N:** Short, short, very short, almost a drabble, section. First person POV - BJ.

* * *

Here I stand, next to the man who has been my best friend for almost ten years, at the start of a new beginning.

For both of us.

I listen to them as they speak their vows to each other and I remember my own. The promises I made to Peg a lifetime ago. I touch the rings I hold in my pocket and feel my own burning a circle into my finger.

"Do you, Christine, take Benjamin to be your husband?"

"I do."

"Do you, Benjamin, take Christine to be your wife?"

"I do."

"By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

And Hawkeye does. I watch as he presses his lips gently against hers - as he has done to mine so many times - and my heart stops beating for a moment. But I know now that it will start again. The wound in my heart, my soul, that was Hawkeye, has healed. More quickly than I ever expected, but it has healed, nonetheless.

Before we leave the church, Hawkeye and Christine find me sitting alone, near the back. I stand when they approach. Hawkeye opens his arms and I smile. I hug him tightly and then kiss his wife on the cheek.

"Congratulations, Christine. You've got yourself one hell of a man, here."

"Thanks, BJ. And thanks so much for being here for us on such a special day."

"You're very welcome." I kiss her again and she walks away.

Hawkeye and I stand and stare at each other for several long moments. I still love him. I know I do. He knows I do. And he feels the same. Of this, I have no doubt.

When he folds me into a second hug, more fierce than the first, I hear the telltale sound of dog tags rubbing together beneath my clothes. Hawkeye pulls back and meets my eyes again. I cloak the truth of my actions with my expression, but he still reaches forward and brushes the cloth covering the tags with his fingertips.

He smiles at me and I smile back.

"Thank you for being here. For being my friend. For everything."

I can hear the sadness in his voice, but I cannot allow myself to react to it. There's only one thing left for me to say, so I do.

"You will always be my friend, Hawkeye Pierce. You will live in here forever." I put his hand on my heart. "I love you and I will miss you."

I don't even allow him to respond before dropping his hand and walking away. I will attend the reception before leaving for good. That's a promise I made to Hawkeye this morning. After that, I'm not sure when - or if - I will ever see him again.

TBC


	6. Moving On

**Title:** Phone Call - Moving on (6/6)  
**Author:** Lisa M  
**Pairing:** BJ/Hawkeye (implied), BJ/other  
**Rating:** R  
**Disclaimer:** Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money.  
**Archive:** Anywhere...just let me know.  
**Feedback:** Would be, like, totally awesome!  
**Summary:** There comes a point in everyone's life when they realize it's time...

**A/N:** Thanks to Louise, my beta, from LJ. You are awesome! I don't always catch everything, so any errors are mine. This section is back into the original format.

* * *

Two hours into the reception, BJ felt himself becoming increasingly restless. The hand shaking, the well wishing, the catching up with Potter and the others from the 4077th - all of it - was starting to get to him. Everyone was having such a great time dancing and talking. Everyone was happy. 

Except for BJ.

Finally, when he couldn't face another second of mingling, BJ dragged himself to the bar and ordered a martini. He took a long sip then turned to watch the wedding guests dance. In the center of the floor, Hawkeye and Christine swayed together.

God, they looked happy. He looked so happy. Tears welled in BJ's eyes, but he stopped them before any trickled out. With a long, slow exhale, he turned back to the bar and finished his drink. He ordered another.

"Martini. Dry. Olive."

BJ heard a male voice next to him, but it barely registered with him.

"BJ Hunnicutt, right?"

The use of his name startled him. He turned to his left and was greeted by the sight of a tall, muscular man. He had shockingly blue eyes. Short, shaggy, honey-colored hair. And a small, but arrogant grin on his lips.

"Yeah?" BJ snapped and finished off his second drink in one gulp. "Who wants to know?"

The man sitting next to him chuckled and reached for his own martini. BJ watched the man as he waited for an answer. None came. Irritated, he glanced away for a moment, but his eyes were drawn back to his new companion. BJ couldn't put his finger on it, but for some reason, this man seemed sort of...

"I'm sorry, but do I know you?"

"Well, no, we've never actually met." The man took a long drink and swallowed. BJ couldn't take his eyes away from the guy's throat. His Adam's apple bobbed as the liquid passed over it and BJ was mesmerized. "But I know you, and you should definitely know who I am."

Something about him was so overwhelmingly familiar... Suddenly, it came to him.

"Trapper John McIntyre."

"In the flesh," Trapper said and licked his lips. "Congratulations, you get the prize."

"How'd you know who I..."

"Well, first, Hawk told me that he asked you to be best man." Trapper looked BJ over for a moment then turned back to his drink. "Second, he told me about you in his letters. And third," he drained the remaining alcohol from his glass and motioned for another. "I'm not blind. I can see the way Hawk looks at you. The way he's been watching you all day...at his own fucking wedding."

BJ said nothing. He glanced over his shoulder looking for Hawkeye. For the first time that evening, he couldn't find him.

"Benjamin Franklin Pierce never looked at me like that. Then again, I guess I never looked at him that way either."

"Are you jealous?" BJ challenged.

"No." Trapper answered bluntly. "Hawkeye and I got what we needed from each other when we needed it. There wasn't love between us. Only friendship. And sex."

BJ felt his own jealousy stirring inside of him, but he ignored it. He refused to give Trapper the reaction he was obviously looking for. He focused all of his attention on Trapper's smug grin and shining eyes.

"It was never love."

"Well, you should probably consider yourself lucky." BJ turned to grab his drink, but it was empty. "Loving Hawkeye was one of the hardest things I've ever done."

"Why?" BJ watched as Trapper ordered him another drink.

"I'm married. I have a kid." BJ felt the tears coming again and he forcibly stopped them by brushing the back of his fist across his eyes. Though no tears actually fell, BJ was sure that Trapper had seen them, nonetheless. He glanced at the other man and saw genuine concern reflected in Trapper's blue eyes. "I wasn't looking to fall in love. With anyone. Especially not him."

Trapper handed BJ a shot to go along with his drink. He downed it quickly. The scotch burned its way down his throat and BJ choked slightly at the fiery sensation.

"But in that place, that hell, things were so crazy. And Hawkeye, he was the one thing that kept me sane. The jokes, the gin, the friendship. Everything."

"Yeah." Trapper placed his hand on BJ's shoulder and squeezed it gently.

"We got so close so fast. And I couldn't stop it. I should have. I didn't."

The tears threatened again. He ground his knuckles into his eyes, but one or two managed to trickle past his relentless rubbing. Trapper said nothing, but set a second shot in front of BJ.

They sat in silence for a long time. BJ was thankful for the quiet, but beneath the surface of it, he felt a current running between himself and Trapper. A sort of invisible electricity flowing from one to the other, then back again. BJ knew that it could be the alcohol causing him to feel this way, but he couldn't deny the heat that was building inside of him.

Or the heat that was rolling off of Trapper in static waves.

BJ was terrified to look to his left, but he turned and met Trapper's gaze. He wasn't sure what he had expected to see reflected there. The concern was still swimming in the blueness, but it was now combined with something more raw.

Almost predatory.

And BJ found himself becoming aroused. He shifted in his seat as Trapper turned back to his drink.

"So, BJ Hunnicutt," Trapper paused and ran his fingertips over his lips. "Did Hawkeye ever tell you about me?"

"He talked about you a lot in the beginning. Before we became..." BJ found that he was unable to say the word 'lovers' to Trapper. He felt almost embarrassed and definitely shy. "Close. Before we became close."

"Yeah, well," Trapper turned and slid his gaze along BJ's entire body. "He told me all about you."

"I'm sure he didn't tell you everything." BJ felt gooseflesh rising on his skin as Trapper's eyes traveled up and down over every inch of him. He picked up his third shot of the night and threw it back quickly.

"He told me enough. Besides," Trapper turned back to the bar and downed his own shot. "There are some things that are better if they are discovered first hand."

BJ was aware that he was able to smell Trapper. The scent reminded him of Korea. Hard and rough. Salt and copper. Sweat and blood. And rather than feeling disgusted by it, BJ felt his arousal deepen. It took him back to the nights he'd spent with Hawkeye, spent and sweating, in that damn tent. Those were the nights he'd been able to forget about the war...about everything else but the feel of the man laying beside him. The sticky sweetness of their joining.

Trapper turned his eyes to BJ's again, and he couldn't help but squirm under the directness of it. When BJ was handed another shot, he accepted it without thought.

"You wanna take a walk." Trapper's voice held confidence. What he said was a statement of fact not a question. As if he knew there was no way that BJ would refuse to go with him.

BJ downed his shot and stood. The alcohol chose that moment to hit him and BJ stumbled, falling back down onto his stool. Trapper grabbed the arm and hauled him back up.

"Come on, Dr. Hunnicutt. Let's go get some air."

Trapper wrapped his arm around BJ's waist. BJ allowed himself to be led out of the building. He had no idea that a set of curious eyes followed him and Trapper as they left.

* * *

Hawkeye watched as Trapper and BJ stumbled out of the room together. 

He felt sick. And then guilty for feeling sick. Jealousy came next, and that's what drove him to follow them outside.

"Honey," Hawkeye said, grasping Christine's hand. "I'm going to go outside for a minute."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm just feeling a little warm. Claustrophobic." He kissed her on the cheek and released her hand. "I just need some air."

"Okay, but if you need me..."

"I'll be sure to yell," he finished with a wink.

Hawkeye made his way through the room and exited the reception hall. He stepped into the warm Maine evening. The stars twinkled brightly in the inky black sky. He glanced around, seeing nothing but the red brick walls, empty sidewalks and lush green trees that dotted the area around the hall. The familiar sounds of the wind in the trees and the chirping of crickets met his ears. But below those noises he heard something else. A sound he'd grown to associate with Korea.

A sharp intake of breath, followed closely by a low, guttural moan.

Those were the sounds that BJ used to make. With him.

Hawkeye followed the sidewalk to the end of the building. When he reached the alleyway, he peered around the corner. Partially hidden behind the shadows, but still visible under the dim glow of streetlights, were Trapper and BJ.

His heart snapped in two.

Trapper had BJ pressed up against the building. His hands gripped the younger man's shirt tightly. Hawkeye watched as BJ slid his fingers into Trapper's hair and pulled him down roughly to his lips. Trapper, in turn, devoured BJ's mouth with undeniable ferocity.

BJ was answering Trapper's aggressiveness with an equal amount of his own enthusiasm. It seemed as if each was fighting for control of the other. BJ broke away, ending the kiss with an audible 'pop'. He tightened his fist in Trapper's hair and pulled the other man's face to his throat. Trapper eagerly complied. A moment later, Hawkeye heard BJ yelp in pain. He knew all too well what had happened.

Trapper had claimed his prize with a bite.

"Trapper..." The name hissed out from between BJ's clenched teeth and Hawkeye felt as if he'd been slapped in the face. He turned on his heels and left.

Anger attempted to rise within him, but he forced it away. How could he be angry with BJ? Or Trapper for that matter? They were doing what Hawkeye, himself, had done many times both in Korea and once he had come home. During those nights when he'd missed BJ so much that it had almost killed him, he had found what he needed in the arms of others. Hawkeye couldn't blame them for finding comfort with each other. He could handle that.

Hawkeye leaned against the cold brick and let his head fall back. The night air, once warm and enticing, had become hot and stifling. The wind no longer held a peaceful song, but carried the sounds of whispered names and satisfied sighs. The stars and the navy sky held no comfort either. They served only as a reminder of all that had been lost.

And then, Hawkeye heard it again. The one thing he could not handle.

"Trapper..."

He couldn't hear BJ say Trapper's name like that ever again. Not Trapper's. With a sigh, he pushed himself away from the building. He glanced toward the alley once more.

"Goodbye, Trapper. Please take care of him." Hawkeye whispered into the night air.

A single tear crept down his cheek. Hawkeye brushed it away with the back of his hand. He reached up and placed his palm against his chest. Long fingers stroked over the dogtags he'd worn under his suit. They were not the ones he had expected to find when he pulled them out this morning. BJ had taken those back before he left.

Hawkeye brought his fingers to his lips and blew a kiss into the darkness.

"Goodbye, BJ."

The End


	7. Epilogue

**Title:** Phone Call - Aftermath  
**Author:** Lisa M  
**Pairing:** None exactly ...  
**Rating:** R  
**Disclaimer:** Nope, don't own anything. Don't sue ... no money.  
**Archive:** Anywhere, just let me know.  
**Feedback:** Would be appreciated - good or bad.  
**Summary:** What happens afterward ...

**A/N:** This is basically closure for the fic. So many people have asked me - "What happened to BJ/Trapper?" "What were Hawkeye's thoughts after seeing them together?" This is dedicated to Boom, because she was the most vocal about wanting to see this written. And also to Lee for providing the challenge line of "true love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending." I didn't send this to my beta (sorry Louise!) before posting, so any errors? Blame me.

* * *

The sound of running water pulls me from sleep. My mouth is bone dry and feels like it's full of cotton. My tongue is swollen and sour with the taste of stale gin. My throat sore and raw. I turn my head to squint at the clock on the bedside table. 

7:36am

I make an attempt to sit, but my head begins to spin and I fall back to the bed. My eyes slip shut. I throw an arm over my face to block out the dim light that fills the room.

"Hawk?" My voice squeaks like a rusty gate and I clear my throat.

I stretch my body and realize that every inch of me hurts. Back, legs, arms - even my toes - protest painfully. None of these aches can compare to the throbbing in my head, though. Blurry, incoherent thoughts swim through my brain. I try and make my mind focus, but my headache only worsens.

"Hey, Hawk?"

Gritting my teeth, I manage to push myself up and sit on the edge of the bed. I run a weary hand through my hair and force my eyes open. Disorientation threatens to knock me back to the mattress again, but through sheer force of will power, I ignore it and glance at my surroundings.

I had expected to see the familiar room - my room - in Hawkeye's house. This, however, is not that friendly, welcoming space. Here, the walls are dingy white. Heavy, industrial-grade gray curtains cover a large window. A television sits chained to a table. A small lamp casts a sickly yellow glow throughout the tiny, claustrophobic space. Rumpled clothes are strewn across the worn carpeted floor.

This is a hotel room. My hotel room. The shower silences and I move my eyes toward the bathroom.

"Hawk?" I pose once more, already knowing the answer to the question. The door opens and on a billow of hot steam, Trapper John McIntyre, wrapped only in a towel, enters the room.

"No, not Hawk," Trapper says with a smirk. "But don't worry. I'm not offended."

"Sorry, Trapper." I sigh, grinding my knuckles into my eyes as vivid memories of the night before begin to flood into me. Dizziness invades me again and I feel as if I might vomit. But the feeling passes quickly. "I guess I had a little too much to drink last night, huh?"

"I'd say so," he agrees, dropping his towel. He gathers up his clothes and begins dressing. "Either that, or I just wasn't that memorable."

"It's not that," I say, remembering full well what had happened. How could I forget the feel of him pressing me into that solid wall as his lips bore down onto mine. Stumbling to the hotel room and barely making it inside before our clothes started to come off. The strong smell of gin on Trapper's breath as he kissed me roughly. His strong hands running over my body until I was shaking in anticipation. The sharpness of the pain when he entered me. Pain that quickly morphed into intense pleasure with each of his powerful thrusts. The warm fullness when he came inside of me and my own sweet release into his skilled hand.

Oh, yes. I remember.

"It's just ..."

"Don't try and explain, BJ. There's no need." Trapper pauses in getting dressed and slides his eyes to me. I can see the corner of his mouth twitching, fighting to curl into a smirk. Trapper doesn't allow it. "If I had been looking for something more than a one night stand, I wouldn't have been with you."

"Thanks, Trapper. I feel so much better now."

"Come on, BJ." He sits on the bed next to me and begins to pull on his shoes. "You live in the real world, don't you? I mean, you weren't expecting to find what you had with Hawk with me, were you?"

I nod because I do understand what he's saying. I wasn't looking for anything beyond this either. I needed a momentary escape from reality. Trapper had provided it. Very well. So well that I feel the heat beginning to coil inside of me and I have to will it away quickly.

"You needed me, BJ. And I guess I needed you, too. We did what we did to make each other feel better. There's nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't ever feel guilty for it. It is what it is, nothing else." Trapper stands and gathers up the rest of his things. "I have to go. My flight leaves in about two hours. Not that it matters anyway, I know you don't want me to stay."

"I'm sorry, Trapper."

"Don't be. I'm not." He holds out his hand and I shake it. "It was good to meet you BJ Hunnicutt."

"Trapper, you too."

"Can I give you some advice before I go?"

"Sure."

"Let it go, BJ. All of it. Me. Korea. Hawkeye. Everything. When you go back to California, leave all of this here, where it belongs. In the past. Go on with your life and don't let these things hold you back from anything." Trapper pulls me to my feet and kisses me one last time. "Let it go."

"I don't know if I can."

"Yes, you can. Go home, BJ. Be a good husband and an even better dad."

I watch him walk to the door and open it. He is halfway through it before I call out to him.

"Hey, Trap?" The taller man glances over his shoulder and I smile. "Thanks."

A salute and a thousand-watt smile are the last things I see as the door closes behind him.

* * *

The sun is beginning to set in Mill Valley, California. I am sitting behind my desk reading an article on a new surgical procedure, when the door bursts open and Erin runs in. She throws her arms around me and kisses my cheek. 

"Hi, dad!"

"Hello, sweetie. How was school?"

"The same," she says noncommittally. She releases her chokehold and backs away, handing me an envelope in the process. "I didn't mean to disturb you, but this came for you today. Mom said that you'd want it ASAP, so here you go!"

Erin gives me another quick peck on the cheek and speeds out of the room.

"Bye, dad! Love you!"

The door slams shut behind her. I flip over the letter and notice there is no return address. I glance at the postmark.

Crabapple Cove, Maine. Hawkeye.

I almost throw the letter directly into the trash. It has been over a year since the wedding and neither of us have tried to contact each other. I took Trapper's advice and left everything behind. I put my memories where they belong - in the past. Life, it seems, has finally become quiet in my world. I am happy and peaceful for the first time since leaving for Korea. I'm afraid to read Hawkeye's words. I can't go back to where I was.

But, I know that even if I throw that letter into the trash, Peg would pull it out and make me read it. She would never let me hide behind excuses or fear. My wife is an amazing woman. I think I had forgotten that during my time overseas. When I came back from Main, she never asked any questions about my time there. I had come home a new man - determined to do whatever I had to do to make my marriage and life work. She recognized that and dedicated herself to work as hard as she could to reach the end goal of becoming 'us' again.

After nine months of both couple's and individual counseling, we have succeeded. There are still those moments when I think of Hawkeye. How could I forget him completely? I still have the picture of us. I keep it in my desk. I can't make myself throw it away. Peg wouldn't allow it anyway. Same thing with this letter.

I glance at the white envelope sitting on the desk in front of me. I swear it's staring at me. Daring me to open it. So I do. The familiar sight of Hawkeye's almost unreadable scribble makes me a little sad. Yes, I have moved on, but I still care about my friend. I trace my fingers over the paper and begin to read.

* * *

_Dear BJ, _

_I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write you. Then again, you haven't written me either, but I guess that's neither here nor there. And it really doesn't have anything to do with this letter, anyway. The reason why I'm writing this, is to tell you that I know about you and Trapper." _

* * *

I inhale sharply. Hawkeye knows? Guilt floods into me.

* * *

_"I saw the both of you outside of the reception hall. I didn't stay long. Just long enough to know where things were headed. I'm sure that you're sitting there thinking that I'm angry. Or that I hate you. _

_I don't. You know I could never hate you. _

_I was upset for a while, of course. That's one of the reasons it took me so long to write. When I heard you say Trapper's name out there, the same way you used to say mine, it almost killed me. The thought of you falling in love with him was a nightmare. I know Trapper. He doesn't fall in love. He was always a good friend to me, but I knew he could never love me. Or you. The last thing I wanted was for him to hurt you. _

_I don't blame you for going with him. I know you were feeling bad. I am to blame for that. I practically forced you to come here and stand with me at my wedding. I never even really thought about how it would make you feel. We had a wonderful couple of weeks together, and once Christine came home, I drifted away from you. I am so sorry. I could see that you were miserable the day of the wedding and I understand that you needed something that night. Trapper was willing to give that to you. _

_I don't expect you to feel guilty for it. And you don't owe me any explanation either. _

_I guess a part of me wishes that you had chosen someone else. Someone who wasn't so _close_ to the situation. That's the only thing that still bothers me. If it had been a stranger, it would've been easier for me to handle. But again, that's not for you to be concerned with. You did what you needed to do and I could never be upset with you for that._

_I want you to know that you will always have a place in my heart. What we had was pure and true and it means everything to me. Though I feel - no, wait - I know that our relationship is over, you are a part of me. On our last day in Korea, I told you that I'd never be able to shake you. It was the truth. I haven't. _

_Someone once told me that true love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending. I believe that. No matter where this life takes us - even if our paths never cross again - I will love you forever, BJ Hunnicutt. I want you to remember that. _

_Yours, _

_Hawkeye _

_

* * *

_

I wipe my hands across my tear-soaked cheeks and carefully fold the letter that will become the final chapter in my life with Hawkeye Pierce. I slide it back into the envelope and place it in the drawer, beneath the picture.

Before closing the drawer and joining my family for dinner, I place my fingertips to my lips. I press them against the faded black and white image of two young doctors, in the prime of their lives, smiling happily in a place that deserved no happiness - simply because they were there together.

"I love you, Hawk." I pause and slide the drawer closed. "Always."

**The End**


End file.
